So, here’s the thing. I don’t really have it all figured out. I mean, who does, right? Especially when you hit that mid-thirties mark and you realize that the “adulting” guidebook you thought existed was actually just a bunch of vaguely helpful pamphlets.
This isn’t going to be some grand declaration, more like a few thoughts I keep bumping into lately. My current operating system, if you will.
One thing I’m trying to embrace is the idea that “unfinished” doesn’t equal “failure.” I’ve got a graveyard of half-baked projects – books that stalled mid-chapter, instruments I briefly attempted to learn, even those watercolor paints that looked so promising once upon a time. And for a long time, I felt this low-grade guilt about it all. Like I was somehow less-than because I didn’t see things through.
But maybe… maybe it’s just part of how I explore the world. A series of enthusiastic leaps followed by a gentle drifting away when the initial spark fades. It’s not ideal for productivity, perhaps, but it’s… me.
And speaking of me, there’s this whole neurodivergent suspicion I’ve got going on. The way my brain zips around, the difficulty sticking to one thing… it can be frustrating, sure.
But it also means I see connections that maybe others don’t. I get excited about a lot of different things, even if that excitement is fleeting. So, maybe instead of trying to force myself into some neurotypical mold, the goal is to figure out how to work with this wiring.
Easier said than done, obviously.
I also think it’s okay to be… average. There’s so much pressure to constantly optimize, to become the best version of yourself, to hustle and grind. And honestly? Sometimes I just want to water my tiny tomato seedling (all 3 centimeters of it, a testament to my inconsistent care), maybe try a new recipe that will probably turn out weird, and just… exist. There’s a quiet rebellion in that, I think. In not striving for some Instagram-perfect life.
That being said, I do have these little sparks of ambition that flicker. Like this blog, or the faint hope that one day I’ll actually finish that non-fiction book. Or maybe even get a guest at my Airbnb.
It’s not about world domination, just… putting something out there. Connecting with others who might also feel like they’re just sort of fumbling through.
So, if there’s a guiding principle here, maybe it’s something like: be curious, be kind to yourself about the inevitable stumbles, and find the small joys in the everyday, even if the everyday involves a lot of cat hair and half-finished to-do lists.
This is where I’m at right now. Subject to change, of course. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that life, and myself, are constantly evolving… or at least, meandering in interesting directions.